i can't help him

i usually choose the latter for the sake of my sanity

but not just now

just now it's broken . It's getting harder and harder to tie it up. and the glue won't stick and the tape is too weak
- you throw some pretty tapestry over that shit and move on

i know you mean well but that really doesn't help thanks anyway

it's ok i'm getting used to figuring it alone

no one has to know

if i keep moving
if i don't think about it - it can't be real
and i won't be so damn afraid

and happy to be so

such beauty.... makes silent music that shatters my soul

i do not want to be put back together

leave me here

leave me in pieces

it is

too glorious

worth it

not long ago I was thinking about it, and realized that the emotion I feel when something is so wonderful, or overwhelmingly beautiful is..well, it's the same as the saddest sad ever. I have tried to figure it out, but I can't. I can't figure out why the more beautiful it is, the more it breaks my heart and the more I want to break apart inside and out. Why do we crave beauty when it hurts? why is the reaction pain? but it's the pain you crave and go back to over and over again

autumn.....the most glorious season of all....I see it, feel it, smell it, and it's so beyond my comprehension with awesomeness that it hurts every fiber of my being

and it makes total and complete sense.

what makes it so beautiful is the dying...




I remember realizing at an early age that the only way to keep from hurting was to not feel a certain amount. And though that is- at times so very tempting..I promised I wouldn't be one of those. I promised I'd go ahead and feel it so that I wouldn't miss it

rise & fall

"what hurts?...show me what hurts"

how many times I- as the mommy ask my crying boy this question?

(maybe - if he can tell me- I can fix it)

this morning that question floats through my own self.

"what hurts?..show me what hurts?"

but I don't know how to answer

It just does and I don't know why

It hits me like a wave and I can only push up and down through it to keep breathing

There is no time to find out why or where it came from

maybe I can tell you later, when the waves stop

will they ever stop?

forgetting

forgotten

I traced the lines of your face over and over and over
and yet I can't conjure up your memory for anything
am I glad?

occasionally a piece here
and there


oh Picasso


as much as I think I won't forget one moment now
I know I will
just like everything else I can't hold in my hand

if I could just put my fists down...

i don't know what i'm fighting for or who i'm sticking up for
the truth is i don't like me anymore than you do

the truth is i'm really sorry

sad that i can't be the character in my mind
the one that does the right thing and makes your heart feel better

i just can't get away from all these bad feelings